In the 5 short years of my little guy’s life, Shaun has shown a fierce desire to gain his independence at every milestone. Yes, he has a long way to go until he is ready to navigate this crazy world. Yet he is continually stretching the boundaries, reaching for as much independence as he can grasp. While John and I left, attempting to figure out what is safe and appropriate for him, given his personality, age, and food allergies.
During grade school, the mother of a friend I had would always say things like, “I don’t know how I feel about you going on the upcoming school field trip … I don’t think that the umbilical cord stretches that far.”
As a young girl, we all laughed at these comments.
As a mom, I understand the conflict at the core of these words.
As a food allergy mom, my heart knows increased fear that adds depth to the sentiment.
From the day they are born, children are always moving toward becoming independent! That is the natural way of things.
And although it is my job, as Shaun’s mother, to teach him, prepare him and let him go. This progression brings a cliche, feeling of bittersweet.
Bitter because I want to protect him, to keep him little because some days (even though I savor each moment), he is just growing up too fast.
Sweet because I am excited and proud as he learns who he is and all the adventures he wants to take.
But deeper than this is the fear of letting go because of his food allergies:
- Will he remember not to take food from anyone?
- Is he secure enough to speak up?
- What if his peers don’t understand?
- Will the adult he is with recognize an anaphylactic reaction?
- Did he bring his epinephrine with him?
- Will he use his wipes to clean things?
These feelings are real.
However, if I let those feelings dictate my actions, I am only going to struggle more in the long run. But more importantly, Shaun will be affected by these misguided actions.
This is where I have to be specific in my thinking.
The clearest example of this in my experience so far is Shaun starting school.
Before School: Shaun spent his days with his Mimi and me. It was an awesome setup, my mother and I were running a home child care out of her house.
I was able to watch Shaun grow and develop. He was getting daily socialization. I got to enjoy snuggles and giggles. I cherished this time with him!
Beyond the feel-good stuff of this setup, when Shaun’s (2 months old) eczema began, I was able to FULLY engage in the day to day needs of diagnosis and subsequent food allergy journey.
– Endless doctors appointments
– Extensive topical skincare
– Research and multiple opinions
– Daily doctor communication
– Nursing on a restricted diet for 2 years
– Skin prick tests
– Blood Labs
– Careful, food introduction
– Managing every hive-y face
– Always having epinephrine & safe food
– Keeping meticulous notes and food records
– Inhalers, antihistamines, antacids
When you care for a child in this constant capacity, knowing the risks to their life that exist outside your carefully curated environment, it feels impossible to let someone take over the care of your child. Never mind for 5 days a week for 7 hours a day.
For a long time, when I thought of sending Shaun to school, I felt utterly sick.
And this is where I have to be purposeful about my thinking.
As parents, it is easy to choose what is convenient, what feels good and is easy for us at the detriment of the child. (Even if the impact of these choices is only seen years in the future)
Restricting experiences, out of fear, is only going to cause struggles, anxiety, and frustration when it is ultimately time take that next step.
So despite fear, choose to:
- Evaluate each circumstance individually for risk. (Some situations are just not safe yet – saying no to them is okay. As long as you have been thoughtful and the choice was not made out of fear alone)
- Make plans and adaptations that will reduce risk when possible.
- Take baby steps leading up to a big independence milestone
- Educate and set expectations!! (This includes, your child, other family or anyone who is going to be involved with this new independence)
Learning to let your child go is always complicated and emotional. But letting go little by little; Saying YES to experiences leading up to a significant milestone will prepare you, but more importantly, your child to be successful and safe. Which is what I think all parents want for their child.
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Linda Corning
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Love this! I kept my daughter out of school for as long as possible because of my anxieties, but now at the age of 10 she is a very vocal advocate for herself. She has a lovely group of friends, one with anaphylactic allergies and they all look after each other.
Thank you. So great to hear that the friends look out for eachother! I know when I hear Shaun and his friends were being thoughtful about his safety it makes me feel just a little bit better! 🙂